A familiar old saying counsels that honesty is the best policy. But candor can be a big mistake for individuals who have been in more than a few intimate relationships.
No man or woman wants to hear that their spouse has slept with hordes of people. Being entirely honest about a lengthy sexual history signals extravagant promiscuity to your partner.
Here is an example, told to one of our San Diego divorce attorneys. One 30-year-old, recently divorced woman named Lisa was asked how many sexual relationships she has had in the past by her new boyfriend. She decided to be honest. He knew she had been married before, but he was shocked when he heard the number was higher than his. The revelation put the brakes on what could have been a promising relationship.
The problem with talking about past sexual partners is that it immediately creates an unsettling picture of your husband or wife with another man or woman.
When to Tell the Truth
If you went through a wild phase of one-night stands in college, you should leave those out. If you contracted an STD during that time, you have to come clean. People in relationships have to be completely honest about past STDs that their partner may be at risk of contracting. Not being forthcoming about an STD is among the worst mistakes that can be committed. If your number of sexual partners is high, get tested for diseases every six months. It may take that long for an STD to appear and often there are no symptoms.
If you are in a relationship with someone who knows many people from your past, you may want to fess up, even if the number is high. Not being completely honest or “not counting” certain people may come back to haunt you as your new partner starts discussing you with common friends or, even worse, ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends.
What Counts as “Sleeping Together”
People have different ideas about what counts as sleeping together. Do you include people with whom you only had oral or anal sex? Do you include people you did everything with, except sex? Do you only count people you had relationships with or are you counting one-night stands too? If you were drunk, does it count?
If you are going to talk about past sexual relationships, be sure you and your partner agree on what exactly you both consider sex. Relationship mistakes usually begin with poor or miscommunication. If you are comfortable enough to sleep with the person, you should be comfortable enough with him or her to discuss the details.
Quality over Quantity
People committed in serious relationships usually figure out that quality is more important than quantity. Does it really matter if your partner had 50 drunken one-night stands? He or she is no more experienced in the bedroom than someone who has been two or three long-term relationships. As with any relationship, do not make mistakes that you will eventually regret, like being hung up on a number. What matters is the relationship you have between each other.
Sometimes married couples can be too honest, and one partner just can’t get over the others past. Occasionally, this could cause irreparable harm to a marriage and divorce is the only course of action. If you decide that is your best option, the San Diego divorce lawyers at The Edmunds Law Firm can help. Just complete the consultation form on our website – or call us at (760) 634-7630 – and a member of our legal time will contact you shortly.